Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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