i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
nut hugger
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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