I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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