well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
