I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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