I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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