Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
