please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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