Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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