I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
