i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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