it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
