Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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