You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
