he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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