I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
