I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
