When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
