1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
