My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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