Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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