They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
