I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
