i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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