Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
