Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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