i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
