I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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