Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize