How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
