I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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