saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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