Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize