Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
