cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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