I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was confusing and full of hummus
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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