Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Also, beer. Big fan.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
