i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
