he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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