someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Randomize
