just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
