Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
