As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
