Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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