I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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