We're like a lot better than the average bears
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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