One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Randomize
