why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
