I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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