please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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