Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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