do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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