You made me cry and you don't even care
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
i think my cat just said my name.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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