I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
