i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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