I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
