Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
