I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
