Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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