I got chris browned last night
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
